Gonna have my face drilled off! (thanks Eddie Izzard!)

WARNING: The following entry concerns a surgical procedure carried out upon myself by a dentist, and goes into graphic detail to describe my experiences during said procedure. If you have a weak stomach, or are averse to long posts, please do not read on, as you will not like what follows. If you don't mind long posts, and find pain and suffering amusing, or if you're just plain curious, read on! I've tried my best to make it funny. It is a bit of a long post, but hey, bear with me okay?

PART ONE - THE OPERATION

PROLOGUE:

Right I'm in less than a fantastic and raptorous mood, because in about twenty five minutes, I have to lay down in the dentists chair, and trust the dentist to - using wickedly sharp compressed air powered tools, not to mention "forceps", which is a fancy medical term for PLIERS - remove one of my largest teeth without killing me, giving me a heart attack, and hopefully, without putting me in agony.

As you can imagine, I'm not looking forward to this one bit, though admittedly, my appointment is only twenty minutes, so I sincerley hope that she can do everything she needs to do in that time...

No, contrary to the first paragraph, I have complete confidence in my dentist's abilities - she's a lovely woman and she's been my dentist for years. Doesn't mean I have to like having teeth pulled out though. Still, I'm sure she'll at least make the experience the least unpleasant that she can, and I do have things to do tonight, so I know there is life after death, so to speak, but it still scares the hell out of me :(.

Well, I'm gonna sneak away now, got to get this out of the way, and besides, the sooner it's done, the earlier I'm medically fit, and the earlier I'm able to eat on both sides of my mouth again :).

Ciao, see you soon!
(I hope!!!)

UPDATE - 16:45

Twenty minutes? Pulling the tooth out? Ha, how naive I was...

Okay, so I forced myself to walk into the dentists with the air of a soldier on a movie who forces himself to stand in front of the firing squad. I spent a good 20 minutes just sitting about waiting for everything to be ready, and then I get called in.

"Can I ask, I know you're the dentist and you know best, but isn't there any alternative to the tooth being removed?" Says I, in a slightly quivering voice...

"Absolutely none, I afraid lovie" she replies, "There's no chance at all of saving that tooth".

Okay, fine, well that's my goose well and truly cooked, and my mind registers the fact that at some point in the imminent future, I will be undergoing some not inconsiderable amount of discomfort. "Still", a voice in my mind pipes up, "You're not gonna make a good soldier if you're too much of a chicken to sit in the dentist's chair". True enough, so I wander in, sit down in the chair (also known as "the vinyl upholstered chair of pain and prostration", possibly hereafter also referred to as "the chair" or perhaps "the electric chair") and resign myself to my fate - the feeling of complete helplessness balanced only by the knowledge that I'm in good hands. I've got my traser watch on, mindful of the times when I'll be out in the field, cold and soaking wet, months from now, as well as my chain, that I've worn to all the best all-nighters - two powerful symbols of the outside world, there to distract me from the terrible reality (oh aren't I being melodramatic - humour me, I'm the one with the farking great big hole in my mouth!) of what is about to take place...

I lay back in the chair as it starts reclining, and I try to get comfortable - which on the dentist's chair is a little like putting a coat on to keep dry on the Titanic. Out of my peripheral vision, the dentist appears at my side with a small cylinder. She takes the front - what appears to be a small cap, of sorts - off it, and to my horror, reveals a FOUR INCH long needle (hereafter referred to as the "spikey needle of death"). Crikey! If this is the anaesthetic, then can I have an anaesthetic BEFORE I have the anaesthetic please? Anyway, said needle disappears into my gob, and I get the tinest twinge of pain as it disappears into my gum, before getting an odd scrapy feeling as it seemingly bounces off my tooth. Next thing I know, the pain increases and she's shooting me full of loads of this stuff (hereafter referred to as "the befuddling poison of sleepyness"), some of which splashes out of the hole and all around my mouth - god it tastes horrible!

Having decided that one is not enough, especially when I seem to have swallowed half of it, she sticks another one in me, this time, into the inside of my cheek! "Okay that's fine-hmm, errrr, ARGH" I think, as this stuff is blasting at high pressure into my cheek - not the greatest experience, and definitley not pleasant...

"Okay lovie, have a quick rinse, wait outside and i'll see you again in two minutes".

I sit up, grap the cup of mint mouthwash, and start swilling it round my mouth while thinking "2 minutes? if that's not the worst of it she'll be lucky if she sees me ever again, never mind two minutes". However, the anaesthetic was quicker acting than I had realised, and with one half of my mouth - including my cheek, half asleep, I can't close my mouth properly. I try not to look guilty as I accidentally spit half a cup of mouthwash out of the half-numb side of my mouth, watching the jet of mouthwash arc halfway across the operating room. Well, glad that we're onto a good start!

Anyway, I go outside, glad to be out of there, if only temporarily. I get chatting to a rather nice woman in the "I-don't-know-you-but-i'm-scared-and-need-someone-to-talk-to" type manner. It turns out that she's having a tooth out as well, so we have some common ground. I slur my speech a bit, poke my gums with my finger nail, giggling at how little feeling there is, and we have a nice chat while the dentist is busy victimising somebody else, until time rolls round, my name is called, and I walk back into the torture chamber.

Now the dentist was a very straight-to-business type person, and despite her excellent bedside manner, there wasn't time for us to arse around. So again, the chair reclines, she pulls the overhead light above my head, her assistant pulls the instruments towards me before putting a surgical blue bib around my neck (hereafter referred to as "the blood collecting bib of pain") and as I feel a slight pricking sensation in my wrist, my vision goes blank and I lose conciousness.
Okay, so I lied about the pricking sensation and the losing conciousness, but in an ideal world I would have been sedated. Can't blame me for wishful thinking. But hey, if I hadn't have had to undergo the horrors of the next 30 odd minutes, you wouldn't be reading this now, would you?!

I start glancing round, wondering where the Elevators and Forceps are, as I can't see any, not that I'd know what an Elevator looked like, though I vaguely imagined it as something shaped like a square, with sharp hooks on each corner and maybe a screwthread on either side.
She reaches for a device like a needle bent at 90 degrees, with a handle on one end, (hereafter known as "the pointed skewer of justice") and it disappears into my mouth, as I feel a tiny little point of pressure, and then two teeny tiny twinges of pain. "Did you feel anything lovie?" She asks. I admit that the second two times, I felt a tiny little amount of pain, but she quickly puts me at rest - or at least tries to, by telling me that "If it wasn't numb, you'd have shot out of the chair screaming", or words to that effect. She puts the skewer down.

"Right lovie, I think we're going to break this up" she says in that soothing i-will-try-not-to-inflict-inhuman-suffering voice. "Break this up?" I think, "We just started! Oh wait, my tooth?! YOU'RE GONNA BREAK UP MY TOOTH?!" She reaches for something shaped vaguely like a nail punch (a long, blunt, metal spike - hereafter referred to as the "crunch punch") and pokes it into my mouth, before (and i'm sure there's a technical term for this) ramming it around. "You may feel a bit of pressure", she says, and with the first of many sickening splintering crunches, I hear/feel a huge chunk of the crown of my tooth breaking off. Even with anaesthesia, the sudden snapping of the tooth sent an unpleasant shock through my jaw, if not my skull. She lifts out something small and off-white, and drops it into a tray. Then back into my mouth with the crunch punch.

So she's there rooting around, and I feel my mouth forced open by the manual pressure, as again, another chunk of my tooth breaks off. She puts the punch down, and leans in with a cotton ball (hereafter referred to as "the blood soaked cotton balls of redemption"), before lifting it out, in front of my vaguely alarmed eyes (I would have said horrified, but I was already resigned to my fate), red and dripping with MY BLOOD! *Bwahahaha (evil laugh)*, then back in with the punch again. This is repeated maybe between half a dozen and a dozen times, as the small pile of blood soaked cotton balls of redemption mounts up. Mercifully, all goes quiet. She confers with her assistant, and they happily agree that that is the crown completely removed. Over? Not a chance!

Next come the roots. She selects a different tool, that looks like a smaller version of the crunch punch (hereafter referred to as "the screw punch of scrapy evil"), and starts drilling around in my mouth - in my lower mandible (!) with it. As the crunching and snapping increases, accompanied by my quiet (but increasingly common) grunts of discomfort, she happily explains "What I'm doing now is removing your roots, this is like removing a wall plug" (basically to remove a wall plug, you screw into it until the screw/tool is in good and tight, then use brute force to pull it out against it's will!). I can't remember whether my reaction was one of apathy or fear, I think I was too preoccupied by the crunching noises.

Eventually she gets tired of screwing up my mouth and asks for the one tool I DO know the name of - the Irrigator! Hereafter referred to as "the curved spiky spear of water". She shoves that in my mouth, and I believe it is used to squirt water into the cavity to clear out all the crap. I say "believe" because at some point I felt a very similar sensation to that caused by the spikey needle of death. Her assistant gets out the tiny dentist's vacuum cleaner, hereafter referred to as "the life sucking cleanser of fragments" and pokes that in there too - now I like the fragment cleanser, as it didn't actually cause any pain itself, so that was good.

Anyway, she's there hammering away, and I hear "Hmm, this last root isn't coming out". UH OH! Fantastically amazing, great! I'm laid on the electric chair in the torture chamber of death with blood gushing out of my mouth (a major exaggeration to be sure, but I still wasn't happy), my tooth in about 15 bits next to me, a huge hole in my jaw, and something's gone wrong!!! Oh great, this is real Apollo 13 stuff here. Anyway, I keep myself in check and put up with increasing amounts of pressure and screwing and scraping and pushing and shoving, and although there's no pain, I can FEEL there's a metal spike rooting around in MY JAW, and I'm laid back listening to the radio...

Her assistant puts the plastic glasses over my eyes (hereafter referred to as "the plastic protectors of the witnesses of suffering") and she comes out with the compressed air (or is it water) powered drill ("the buzzing mechanical hornet's sting of death"). Out comes the fragment cleanser again along with the mirror on the curved handle ("the curvy shaped revealer of pain"), and she goes at it for a bit trying to get the last bit out.

Anyway eventually she decides that it's stuck in there good and proper, and it will have to be left in there. She wanders over to the other side of the room and leaves me to poke the hole with my tongue. To my alarm, the hole is huge and my tongue practically ends up in my jawbone.
Coming back, she inserts a small roll of gauze ("The bloodied gauze of coagulation") and asks me to bite down on it to stop the bleeding. I'm sat there like an idiot for the next 10 minutes or so while she types up the report on her computer, and then she removes said gauze and invites me to stand up - optimistic, considering what I've just undergone...

Anyway, she prescribes me some antibiotics, and sends me up to the chemist. My head is in the clouds, unable to accept that the crunching and splitting of bone that I can STILL hear is just in my imagination.

So now I'm on antibiotics and painkillers and lucozade, and I look like I have some type of psychological disorder now as every time I try to drink I have to do it on one side of my mouth, occasionally dribbling like there's something wrong with me, but hey, thank god it's over...

I never want to have to go through that again. If you learn only one lesson from this long rambling diatribe, let this be it: For Christ's sake, take care of your teeth!!! (sorry lexi) .

Anyway, now we move on to chapter two!

PART TWO - PRACTICAL DENTISTRY FOR BEGINNERS!!!

Modern dentists use a wide variety of tools these days, the majority of which are designed to cause pain and suffering, in the hopes that this will teach you to look after your teeth in the future. Of course, dentists are merciful, and after causing a certain quota of suffering, they will of course, fix the problem, considering you to have learned your lesson.
In the article above, I pointed out a good few instruments used by dentists in their quest for healthier teeth, and I would like to give in further detail, a description of those instruments, as well as basic directions for their use.
So without further delay, let us begin with:



2:1 - INSTRUMENTS OF SUFFERING

• The Vinyl Upholstered Chair of Pain and Prostration! - This highly manoeverable chair is powered by electric motors, and is designed to allow the victim to be comfortably seated, and therefore better able to concentrate on, and appreciate, the suffering about to be inflicted on him/her. The chair is also designed to present the victim in such a manner as to be completely vunerable to the dentist's ministrations, and to render him/her unable to protect him/herself.

• The Spiky Needle of Death! - This wickedly sharp device is used for pumping large quantities of anaesthetic into the victim. It takes the form of an incredibly long, shiny and very pointy needle. It is designed to withstand being poked into teeth accidentally.
  

• The Befuddling Poison of Sleepyness! - This foul tasting elixir is injected into the victim prior to torture commencing, to reduce their level of suffering to a level which while extremely unpleasant, is not unpleasant enough for them to attempt to cause the dentist physical harm.
  

• The Blood Collecting Bib of Pain! - This bib is of itself, harmless. However, it has a profound psychological value, as when it is tied around the victim's neck, the victim immediatley assumes the worst, and is driven to succumb to fear.
  

• The Pointed Skewer of Justice! - This device is long and pointed, curved at 90 degrees, and has a handle at one end to allow the user to exert greater pressure on the subject. It is designed for ramming into people's roots, and testing their pain reactions.

• Crunch Punch! - This device is perhaps the wickedest implement of all. While not sharp, it is used to mercilessly snap, crunch and otherwise crush the teeth of the victim in a merciless manner. Sometimes, there is no substitute for brute force, and the Crunch Punch, allows the dentist to exert their physical strength, as well as their will, upon the hapless victim.

• Blood-Soaked Cotton Balls of Redemption! - These harmless little fuzzy balls have a profound psychological value - they are used to soak the victim's blood up, and can be "accidentally-deliberatley" dangled in front of him, to show him how much blood he is losing.

• Screw Punch of Scrapy Evil! - This device is on par with the Crunch Punch, for its pure evilness. It is used to grind and scrape and screw into the fragments of the victim's shattered teeth, prior to pulling them out, forcibly.

• Curved Spiky Spear of Water! - This implement is often described as an "Irrigator" in the victim's presence, this is done to lull them into a false sense of security. In reality, it is a wickedly curved and very sharp needle, that can be "accidentally-deliberatley" driven into the victim's cheek, gum or tongue.
  

• The Life Sucking Cleanser of Fragments! - This device has no torture value, existing merely to remove water/debris from the mouth of the victim, prior to further pain being administered. As such, it is not sharp, not curved, and doesn't even make a nasty noise.

• The Plastic Protectors of the Witnesses of Suffering! - These devices are deceptively simple, yet powerful. They prevent debris from falling in the victim's eyes, allowing them to see clearly the manic grin of the dentist, as he/she inflicts further suffering upon them.

• The Buzzing Mechanical Hornet's Sting of Death! - This device emits a high pitched wail, and as such, has a profound psychological value. In reality, it causes little pain initially, but can be used to drill holes extremely deep into the victim's teeth. While time consuming, this implement rewards its user's attention, by causing untold agonies to the patient.

• The Curvy-Shaped Revealer of Pain! -This device has little use, causes no pain or distress, and exists only to allow the dentist to see which bits they haven't yet drilled into oblivion.

• The Bloodied Gauze of Coagulation! - This is perhaps the kindest tool of all. Self administered by the victim, the gauze prevents bleeding, and reassures the victim that now their punishment is complete.
  

PART THREE - EPILOGUE

So I'm sat here now, with no more than a dull ache in my jaw. Dosed up to the eyeballs on Paracetomol and antibiotics, and reflecting on what a hell of a day it's been. Root canal work is nothing on having one of your teeth smashed up while it's still attached to you, I can tell you.
I suppose given the tone of the rest of the post, it's about time I gave the dentist the credit she deserves. While I have spent a good two hours writing this (yes really), poking fun at dentists, and jokingly accusing them of being sadistic torturers, the fact is that my dentist was extremely friendly and reassuring, and went to every length to make sure that I was kept informed of what was happening to me, why it needed to be done, and what she hoped to accomplish. While the fact remains that today's procedure was extremely unpleasant, thanks to the dentist, it was nowhere near as unpleasant as I had feared it would be, and for that, I am grateful to her.

I hope you enjoyed the blog more than I enjoyed the procedure it describes - well, you could print the blog out on sheets of rusty tin, roll the sheets up, set them on fire, cover them in acid, and then stab yourself in the eye with them, and STILL enjoy the blog more than I enjoyed today's dental work...

Still, have a good day, and remember - look after your teeth!

Update: 10:11 AM, the following day...

Okay, so it's been about 18 hours since the operation, and I've got to admit, I've been recovering quicker than I expected. So far, there is no bleeding, and the only time I get anything more than the tiniest twinge of discomfort from the tooth socket is when the Ibuprofen (pain killers) start wearing off.

The hole in my gum has closed to about half of its previous size, and it's pretty evident that the healing process is underway. I can now eat and drink, albeit on one side of my mouth, but I'm assured that after another couple of days, I should be able to eat on both sides.

The sounds of splintering bone have started fading from my mind, and while, as predicted, they DID disturb my sleep yesterday, I'm pretty much over it now. When I get home I'll start in with the saline irrigation of the area to clean any of the crap out, and hopefully healing will continue on course. Things are going pretty good.

Update: 04:00 AM, Sunday July 8th, almost a week later...
Right. I have to admit, I'm still recovering from the extraction, it is a fairly mixed bag - but for anyone that's going to have an extraction - PLEASE read on, because it's not as bad as you feared... Just as a tooth cavity is a subject of almost compulsive tongue-poking, the same can be said for the now substantially healed hole in my jaw.
The gum has nearly finished closing over the cavity, with about 1mm gap towards the front of my mouth, and maybe 3mm at the back, all there is is a sleek triangular hole through which is clean, visible, PAINLESS bone.
I can now eat anything that takes my fancy, which is nice. There is no pain any more, just a mild twinge of discomfort every now and again - the gum equivalent of an itch if you like...
...anyway, it's well on the way to healing, and the extraction continues to fade into memory :).