Way On Down South...

London Town...

Yep, as is normal at this time of the year, my mum has coerced me into going to London with her.
Nothing wrong with that, I like the place enough, so I agreed to going along.

So, having got all my stuff ready the night before, I woke up (before the alarm went off) at what must have been about 4am, and spent the next hour, pissed off with my fortune, before the alarm made it clear that it was now time to get up.

So off we went, and after only what, 45 minutes of sitting around waiting for the coach, the thing turned up. Against my protests we ended up sat right at the front. "But you get a good view" you might think, and you'd be wrong. Ish.
A large sunscreen covered the top part of the windscreen, and the windows ended just above shoulder level. The portion of window I could see out of was mostly covered with no smoking signs and "well driven?" stickers. The seat didn't recline, and my seatbelt took about 10 minutes to pull itself tight after I fastened it.

But, after a four hours journey (it didn't seem that long) we ended up getting into Central London. We disembarked at Marble Arch and after a few minutes spent wandering through a warren of underpasses, we ended up in Hyde Park.

At the wrong end. You see, the weather in London yesterday wasn't that great, It was raining and it was cold, about 6c. We walked from Speaker's Corner to Knightsbridge, and by the time we got to the Serpentine, approx halfway there, we were soaked through (even the books for the trip that I'd put in my backpack were wet). But onwards we continued, and arrived at "Winter Wonderland", a Christmas market kindly set up for the City of London by our German friends.

Yep, everything was on sale, from Finnish (don't ask how Finnish products ended up at a German christmas market, I don't know either) Reindeer pelts (nice way to spend a lovely christmas, relaxing on one of Ruldolph's slaughtered mates. No, the animals were apparently killed for food and the pelts were a byproduct of the hunting) which were very soft, to Glühwein, or Frankfurter hotdogs (cooking on a HUGE (approx 5 foot across) grill pan hanging over a pit of glowing orange coals (sounds better than "cokes"), as well as arts and crafts, stalls selling various handmade items, plus a fairground (including a ghost train that promised, much to our amusement, "an experience that will haunt you through eternity/you will pass on through the generations"), a couple of cafes, and an ice skating rink.

All that was missing was the snow, and it would have been really really lovely.
Unfortunately, we didn't have snow, we had rain, and lots of it. We squelched around as people wearing binbags for protection from the rain wandered round, looking at the half empty rides, and the efforts of some of the staff of the largest cafe there (for a portable building it was BIG - they had a bar and grill and sky sports and everything) to sandbag the entrances so they wouldn't flood.
I watched as one kid working there, trying to help, picked up the wrong sandbag and watched its erstwhile nemesis flow through the gap created by this movement, and down towards the doors.
I think it made it as far as the floor inside.
We also took the opportunity to watch a poor kid skating on the ice rink (which itself was an inch deep in lovely just-above-freezing water) fall on his arse and get his trackies thoroughly soaked.

Eventually we left for Knightsbridge, getting to the other side, frankfurter-hotdog-less despite my pleadings, and we got into Harrods.
Well, Harrods is world famous, so I'm not going to go into its history. Interestingly though, I note that its motto is "All things for All people". And I'm gonna have to take exception to that.

Yes, Harrods sells practically anything, and incorporates an HMV and a Waterstone's (both the same company), but despite its best efforts (and the more I think about it the more I am beginning to believe that its motto may actually be more accurate than I give it credit for)
the place stinks of money. It might sell Krispy Kreme doughnuts for £2 each (made before your eyes!), and Gelato for £2.50 for a small plastic container, but it sells them on the same floor as £16,000 urns of tea and £1,300 jars of caviar.
No, Harrods isn't the place for me, it's too upmarket, you can't even go to the bathroom without some member of staff demanding that you have a good afternoon.
Don't get me wrong, the staff are incredibly polite, the range of products is incredible. Everything from popcorn to Bosendorfer grand pianos, mobile phones to 102-inch (I am not kidding!) plasma TVs. The interior decor is amazing with lush carpets, chandeliers, themed decor in different sections of the building, they score top marks on staff, building, and range of products.
And yet, something still doesn't sit right with me. I wander round the place buying things, and I still half-expect half a dozen security guards to suddenly ask me and my fellow shoppers to "please clear the room as His Imperial Majesty, Grand Poobar Vizier Spritzer-Hussar du Schleswig-Holstein the Third, is visiting shortly, once we can get all his personal entourage out of their fleet of Bentleys.

I get the feeling that me in all my red blooded normalness, and those like me, and even those not quite like me (the majority of people) are in the place at Harrods' sufferance, and despite the staff's good qualities, the entire shop would rather we all piss off so that more rich Schleswig-Holsteins will visit and spend a hundred billion Megaswiss Buckazoids on some new tassels for their curtains, or spend the cost of a new ferrarri on some "choice" food for their dog, which is invariably an annoying yappy little shi-t (no "zu" here).

We wandered round though, spent some money, I went to buy a new cleaning cloth for my camera lenses (which had fogged up incredibly due to the weather) and ended up £5 lighter in my pocket. 50p for the piece of toilet tissue sized cleaning cloth, and £4.50 for the privelige of owning a Harrods receipt that confirms that I was graciously allowed to spend money there.

I managed to sample some of the Gelato, which was absolutely brilliant. The best Ice Cream I've ever had. Even if they did charge us £2.50 for what works out at about 150ml of ice cream, if that. I looked around enviously at those at the nearby Gelato bar, eating huge massive sundaes piled high with the stuff. And then with a smile I remembered that my wallet still had money in it.

We ended up leaving. I came close to hitting people after getting bored with people bumping into me (always ugly people, attractive sexy people who I WANT to bump into me never seem to bother) and off we went to the Tower of London.

Which is weird because the Tower is actually a fortress, or at least a group of buildings. We took the opportunity to go to the Jewel House and see the actual real crown jewels, (when I think about it, I'm amazed that these things are on display), featuring the biggest diamond in the world, the second and third biggest, the fourth, sixth, seventh etc etc etc. Harrods might have reeked of money, but nowhere did I see a single item with a value of tens of millions. Here they were lined up by the dozen. Absolutely incredible.

I wandered around the Royal Armouries and took some photos, as it started to go dark.
The rain abated a little, and as we left the Tower, we noted that the ice rink (another one) situated in the old moat, that had had an inch or so of water on it, still had an inch of water on it, but was now thronged with people and was buzzing with life.

Eventually we went to get something to eat. Garfunkel's, on the Strand. I had some nachos, and a huge burger, and it was pretty good. Nothing worth going into too much detail about, a burger and a beer, it was nice. Even if the beer was a genuine "Sold in London at London Prices" beer, which means it cost us (my mum actually) £7 for two normal sized bottles.

After that, we went to a pub opposite the coach station, had another drink in there, and then waited a short time for the coach.

Whats more to say? Another four hours journey later, and we were home. I had a quick shower, and then very gratefully dove into bed. And slept for the next 12 hours.

Of course, here are the photos (of my trip not of me sleeping).



And as promised, I also have the photos from my trip to Kelham Island, with my family.



Peace.